Early one morning as I was praying for my family, I began to
reflect on some of the thinking patterns I had, choices I made, and actions
taken towards women that were in no way beneficial to their growth. I was then inspired to construct this “Open
Letter of Apology” to all the women who have been the recipient of the negative
actions of men.
Let me first start by saying, I
am so grateful that my past has not defined me, but has been used as a tool to
refine me into the MAN that I am today.
However, this transition and transformation was not something that I
just “fell” into; it took a willing and intentional effort on my part to admit,
confront, and deal with a mindset that was entrenched so deep that it was very challenging
to overcome. Thank God for placing
within me the will and desire to be better, and giving me a wonderful wife who
continues to champion and assist me as I continue this life’s journey of
freedom and value.
How
did this start?
When we men are confronted with
a counterproductive choice we have made, it is easier for us to say that it was
the action of someone else that precipitated that behavior instead of taking full
responsibility for our actions.
Unfortunately, the “genesis” of this behavioral pattern started in
Genesis. Even Adam when confronted with
his disobedient action, blamed the woman (Genesis 3:11-12). No, we were not created that way; however, we
did take on that (Adamic) nature because of Adam’s decision of deliberate
disobedience. What is that nature? That nature is the perceived need to self-preserve
no matter what collateral damage ensues.
It is that mindset that for years has viewed women from an ancillary and
not complementary position. For that, I
apologize.
Women, I apologize for all the
men who have been the purveyors of hurt. In other words, most hurts can oftentimes be
traced back to a male figure. There is
no right way to explain a wrong; however, let me help to uncover the reason
(not an excuse) as to why that has been.
For as long as I can remember, which is just a blurb of time compared to
man’s existence, many societies have taught most males–starting at a very young
age–that they are not to cry and/or feel pain.
We have been taught/told to “suck it up,” “be a man,” and “stop acting
like a woman” to name a few phrases. For
the majority of their lives, these phrases have been expressed to males by both
men and women. Well, unless I’ve been
bamboozled, hurts, internal pains and tears are not gender specific.
Therefore,
where do these hurts and pains go
when a male is experiencing these feelings?
Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to internalize them. However, in doing so, we become unaware that by continually internalizing those feelings, they eventually produce external symptoms. Simply put, “Hurt people…Hurt people.” Consequently, we men then externalize those hurts in various forms of abuse–manipulation and control, promiscuity, substance addiction, etc. Additionally, oftentimes we aren’t even realizing the source of those symptoms due to never being taught or given the opportunity or freedom to process the seed that was planted to produce the destructive behavioral harvest. Therefore, we stay a prisoner, bound in that mindset. Again I exclaim, not an excuse but a reason.
when a male is experiencing these feelings?
Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to internalize them. However, in doing so, we become unaware that by continually internalizing those feelings, they eventually produce external symptoms. Simply put, “Hurt people…Hurt people.” Consequently, we men then externalize those hurts in various forms of abuse–manipulation and control, promiscuity, substance addiction, etc. Additionally, oftentimes we aren’t even realizing the source of those symptoms due to never being taught or given the opportunity or freedom to process the seed that was planted to produce the destructive behavioral harvest. Therefore, we stay a prisoner, bound in that mindset. Again I exclaim, not an excuse but a reason.
Women, I apologize for all the
men who you have trusted in to protect, lead, or guide you that have used their
positions to take advantage of you. I
believe it’s safe to assume, some have been relatives, supervisors, and
unfortunately even clergy. It is
becoming more and more apparent that creeping compromise has been the snowflake
which has rolled into an eventual avalanche.
This transpires when we men allow and rationalize deviant behavior to be
our norm until it reaches pronounced levels before we are forced to admit,
confront, and deal with it. A position
will not cure it, neither will a perception.
You may be saying,
“If I can’t trust
someone who is clergy, then who can I trust?”
Short answer, trust in God
first and then trust the God in you (Psalms 118:8). As I stated earlier, we have been conditioned
to internalize and keep in isolation personal challenges that we are dealing
with. Why? Mainly because of pride, and for reasons
stated earlier. Although it takes strength
to go past one’s feelings to deal with shortcomings and weaknesses, ego
(pride’s offspring) has caused most men to ignore or minimize deviant
behavioral patterns and their impact on those they oversee. Pride has even caused many of us to feel that
we have the antidote to self-medicate.
At times, we men believe that we can “fix” ourselves thinking “we aren’t
that bad off”. Wow! Even as I am writing this, I can remember
situations and the times I had that same mindset. Thank God for Spiritual Maturity!
As a husband and a father–who
has a teenage daughter–I have seen the adverse effects that a hurt mindset can
have on the maturation and leadership of a family. It takes tenacity and a willingness to break
the negative generational cycle for positive growth to take place. I continue on that journey daily. Is it easy? NO! But
I and they are worth it.
Women, I pray that you accept
this apology on behalf of all the men you have come across that may never
personally tell you that they apologize for the way that they have treated
you. Some may still even feel that they
did nothing wrong. Well, I know through
experience, learning and application that the victim always remembers. That is one of the reasons I decided to write
this open letter. I pray that this
serves as a formal apology to you, so that you can forgive us collectively, and
those specifically, who have injured you mentally, emotionally, physically, or
any combination of the three. Learn to
forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that the other
person is right; it just frees YOU to live.
I pray that you will choose today
to start living at a ten! You deserve
it!
Aim High…
© 2012 Aldean Pearson
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Aldean “Al” Pearson is a Professional Speaker, Trainer, and Growth Coach. He is the Co-Founder of the LĪVE! movement, a speaking, training and coaching organization committed to developing extraordinary people, families, and businesses. His “up-front and candid,” yet at times humorous approach empowers his clients and audiences to look past their limitations to find the hidden gems of capability within. He is married with twin boy and girl. Contact: AlPearson1@gmail.com
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